The comments below were from my professor:we can see that you have put a lot of effort into this assignment and overall I can see you understand the subject matter. However, there were many issues with the framing of this assignment and presentation of your arguments. All your ideas were good and there was a lot of thought and insight put forward. You just need to approach this more as an essay. It read more like a presentation which offered a whole range of issues to do with audiences. The feedback below will support you to understand how to improve upon your approach, and to take a more academic, referenced and focused look at this area. The idea is not to try and cover everything, but to present an argument, a case, for a set of strategies to build audiences (and looking at a particular museum may give you some of this focus). Planning You laid out some issues for discussion at the start of the assignment. However, you did not really create a clearly delineated introduction. In your next assignment try to create a clear set of aims for your approach to the assignment question and discuss the key issues in an introduction before commencing your argument. Your assignment overall was rather abstract. You created lots of questions and lists of issues for museums to address. These were on the whole unreferenced. Whilst you covered many important issues, your argument lacked focus or a central framework for discussion. The process of audience development is well documented within the literature, perhaps you could have utilised the elements within this approach to frame your discussion. Overall, although there was a structure to your assignment, the argument moved quickly through a series of issues, not necessarily in a logical order. Research You clearly understood the subject matter. However, it felt as if you were writing a list of issues for museums to follow when looking at developing audiences rather than an academically referenced piece of work that was based on the literature. On the whole your ideas were not referenced, indeed there were whole pages that were not supported by the literature. Additionally, your ideas were somewhat abstract as you talked about the museum sector without really referencing examples to support your argument. In your next assignment perhaps you could present a case study to illustrate your approach. Analysis You looked at many important issues, but due to the range of questions you posed and the far-ranging issues that you chose to cover, your argument only touched on them. Additionally, you presented many issues in a contracted format through posing questions and creating bulleted lists. In your next assignment try to focus in and cover less issues but in more detail. Try to unpick the complexity of the subject matter using the literature to support your argument. Communication Your overall writing style is of a suitable standard. However, there are a series of issues for you to work on with your approach to communication. Firstly, you need to think about the way you structure the ideas in your argument and the amount of context the reader needs to follow your ideas. In your next piece of work try to organise your ideas in a way that progresses the argument in a more fluid way. Additionally, think about how much context is needed to really discuss the subject matter. You also struggled with using the author/date referencing system – see comments below. You also needed to pay more careful attention to the way that you formatted your bibliography – see student handbook for guidance. The grammar of your sentences also sometimes needed further work – see comment 2 below. I would suggest that with sentences over four lines you need to break them down into shorter sentences. Conclusion You did present a conclusion of some length which was good to see. However, you needed to more systematically sum up the main points of the argument and then go on to make greater significance from them. Annotated Comments What evidence from the literature do you have to support this statement? When you make a strong statement about the sector you need to support your ideas with evidence. This sentence is a little convoluted. More work was needed on the grammar. You need to be specific. Which museums professionals? When you paraphrase a publication you need to reference it. Looking at your bibliography, I cannot spot this particular reference so it’s unclear if it is a publication or from a website. Whichever type of publication it comes from you need to check how to reference it in the student handbook as this is not the correct layout under the author/date referencing system. There needs to be more than just a name in brackets. Contractions are not used an academic writing. This phrase is too journalistic in its tone. You needed to explain what was meant by segmentation as it’s a technical term. Technical terms need explaining and defining using the literature before you apply them to your argument. Additionally, there are many versions of audience segmentation. If this issue was important to your assignment it needed explaining in more detail. You do not appear to be using the author/date referencing system correctly. If you refer to the student handbook you need to include the author, date and page of publication. With long quotes that are longer than 40 words, you need to separate out the quote into a separate paragraph and indent it to the left and right. It is also the only time you then do not put quotation marks around a quote. You needed to have removed the blue and underlining that the hyper-linking of this website creates.